“Was that the chance and hope that you mentioned, _____?”
“He even told _____ that Santa was just a cheap marketing ploy invented to sell Pepsi.”
“And was drop-kicking _____ into the manger really the best way to handle this?”
“Okay, that was not my fault. I was under the influence. All I had to eat was Christmas fudge and candy canes.”
“I just–I didn’t want it ruined for the little kids.”
“But is this a war on Christmas, a war on over-political correctness or–”
“_____ bought a bunch of cookies at the store.”
“Thought you said you weren’t working over Christmas.”
“Yeah, my _____ is/are crawling out of the shallow end of the gene pool, so everyone’s/_____ a little on edge.”
“Tonight we’re making a Japanese snowflake tree or some crap.”
“I like snowflakes, but I like my plan a lot better.”
“Very enticing.”
“So where’s the ‘nog? I need to get merry.”
“Wow, looks like _____’s really enjoying my gravlax.”
“Hear what happened to Santa? Heard it on the news. His sleigh crashed in the Rockies. Shattered both his legs. Frostbite took care of his pain but not his hunger. So, to survive, he had to slaughter and eat his reindeer. Including Rudolph. ‘Ate’ tiny reindeer. Get it?”
“You know, they’re leaving right after Christmas, so we only have to survive another… three days.“ “
“They can see dust specks on Mars, but no one noticed a giant blizzard hurtling towards us.”
“There’s a snowman in our yard.”
“Roads are a nightmare.”
“_____ says hot chocolate makes everything better.
“Yeah, it’s under the tree next to your ties and underwear.”
“Global warming, my ass. Must be negative 20 out here.”
“What I wouldn’t give for a little Bing Crosby right about now.”
“You packed guns on Christmas.”
“See? A little sugar and a little spice… makes everything nice.”
“It’s damn near frostbite in under four minutes!”
“Sure, _____. Christmas on a pig farm.”
“Jesus was born in a barn!”
“And nothing bad’s gonna happen on Christmas, right?”
“Let’s get cozy on the couch.”
“And the angel said unto them– ‘fear not. For behold, I bring you tidings of great joy.’”
“Yeah, well, you know– _____ always gets a little weird around Christmas.”
“_____, get the fire extinguisher!”
“And for the first time, I didn’t wish for a miracle. I wished for them to go away.”
“And that night, in the darkness of a howling blizzard, I got my wish.”
“Krampus came not to reward, but to punish.”
“But what if you’ve been good, like, all year? And you leave out milk and cookies and do everything else right?”
“I just wanna get these rewrapped for _____.”
“The mall doubles as an emergency shelter.”
“Well, a shepherd’s got to protect his/her flock.”
“Come up here and I’ll show you.”
“_____, I just got my ass kicked by a bunch of Christmas cookies, so trust me when I say I can take it!”
“Get your gloves on.”
“I just wanted Christmas to be like it used to be.”
“Thanks for making pancakes.”
“Hey, _____. We/I thought the sugarplum fairies may have gotten you.”
“I haven’t felt this hungover since the pope died.”
“Enough with the sappy crap. Let’s open up the presents.”
drapetxmaniia - The Urge to run away 