He smiled at him, cupping his face despite the regret he felt for having always used the Doctor’s compassion against him. “You’ve always been my entire world. I hated it when you left me behind, but I never hated you. I couldn’t as hard as I tried to, because I knew why you ran.”
“I’m sorry Koschei, I truly am…” He whispered, softly, biting his lip and covering his hands with his.
“Yes, well, everyone gets disappointed once in a while.” The Leather wearing Time Lord grumbled. “She was good okay, i thought she would be a good one to show the universe too…” he shrugs.
Torvic drops without his feet making a sound. “Why?” He asks “Also did you bring me something?”
“Um… a chocolates that I nicked from her flat an’ a arm from an auton that came to life and chocked me.” He told him, wondering if that would be okay for the child.
“As for why… why not? Plus they are always full of awe at that age… keeps me aware of How wonderful the universe still is, I’ve just grown use to it.” He shrugs and puts the chocolate and the manacin arm in the pilot seat.
His brows furrowed even more. “Do to you?” he asked almost alarmed. “Koschei, im not going to let them do anything to you.”
Not on his watch, now way, no how. “Of course i forgive you, i love you…” ah, future-self… now that made more sense.
He could feel his tears falling as his body shook from the suppressed sobs.
“I- I don’t want to go Koschei… i change so often, to fast, I’ve gotten use to this face again and then another comes along.” He clings to him as well.
“I will, I’ll snog you angrily if you even try to say no, I’ll- I’ll send you this memory and tell you that no matter what I still want to bond with you.” He promised him.
“Will- will you stay with me? For now? Till you have to go. Will you sleep with me?” He didnt care what way he took that at the moment… but he did want him to make love to him before he left, but he didn’t know how to ask without being desperate and needy in his eyes.
“I know you don’t want to go, it’s why I never mentioned that I knew about the radiation,” he said softly. “I’m not ready to go, and I’m not ready to lose you, this face, the one that changed my mind about running from what I feel.”
He could feel tears in his own eyes no matter how hard he tried to suppress them, but he tried to smile despite that.
“I love you, and I… if they don’t find me before then, I’ll stay with you until you regenerate. So that you don’t have to face that alone, Doctor. I don’t know if I’ll get to, but I’ll try to. And of course I’ll sleep with you, did you really have to ask? Do you think I’d refuse any time I could have with you before we both change?”
“I love you too, Koschei and thank you.”
He kissed both cheeks gently in gratitude, before giving him a gentle kiss on the lips.
He took his hand and lead him to his room. Hopefully what ever happened tonight and till his regeneration, it would help him during his time on Gallifrey.
His brows furrowed even more. “Do to you?” he asked almost alarmed. “Koschei, im not going to let them do anything to you.”
Not on his watch, now way, no how. “Of course i forgive you, i love you…” ah, future-self… now that made more sense.
“I don’t think you’re going to have a chance to stop them,” he said softly, caressing his cheek with the tip of his fingers. “I think that one day I’ll just be gone and you won’t see me again for a very long time. And that if I can’t hold on to what he told me, that I’m going to hurt you when you really need me.”
He kissed him again softly. “It’s better if you don’t intervene when they come for me, Doctor. At least they wouldn’t hurt you as well. Good news, though,” he said, looking up at him.
“When they’re done torturing me, they get rid of the noise in my head. I won’t have to live with the madness anymore. Really, I should just go seek them out and get it over with so that I can get to the good part, but…”
He shrugged.
“I guess I’m afraid. Because it might mean I’m never kind to you again. That I won’t be strong enough to help you when you need me, and I don’t want to lose myself. I want the sound gone, especially because I despise them more with every beat for using me like that, but I don’t want to forget who I am, I don’t want to stop being capable of caring about you.”
He keened unhappily, hugging him tightly, a hand gently on the back of his neck and he tried not to drown in his helplessness over the fact that he couldn’t get him out of it… it was in stone, he had met his future self…
“This isn’t fair…” he whimpers softly “You shouldn’t have to go through that.”
“Yeah…” he breaths out. “I- i guess that is a good thing.” he reluctantly agrees. But he doesn’t let him go from the hug, as if he could protect him from the future pain this was.
The Master clings to him, closing his eyes for a moment. “It’s not so far away, I think,” he tells him softly.
“He still has the same face as I do now, but… he’s been through so much in that time. Still, I can try to change some of it. I can try to change how unhappy he was, by making a different choice when I have the chance. I might not succeed, Doctor, so I hope that if I don’t that you remember this. That you remember it hurt enough afterwards for him to tell me to change it. I hope that if I do hurt you, you remember that they took the choice away from me and that we still have a chance after that where we can forgive each other. I hope I can forgive myself if that chance ever comes.”
“Ill always forgive you…” he whispered, kissing his cheek and then neck. “And ill alway’s love you…” He then got a crazy idea.
“What- what if we make a partial bond? Would, would that change anything? Because…. because i was always wanting to make a full bond with you, Koschei… I just never got the chance to ever tell you that i wanted that…” he confessed and bit his lip, ready for him to reject it.
The Master looked up at him, looking slightly shocked, his eyebrows furrowing.
“I… I always wanted a full bond with you, Doctor. But I decided it was better not to corrupt you, or ruin your life, because everyone told me I would. It’s still forbidden for me, so even a partial bond will likely make my punishments worse, but… if it stops me from making the wrong choice, it would be worth it.”
He looked down, thinking about it. “I… I don’t know if I would be able to shield my thoughts so that you’re not affected, though. You know what they’re capable of, what Rassilon is capable of. It might be too much of a risk.” Which hurt him to admit, because he wanted it. Even a partial bond would keep him from believing that he and the Doctor had this time together. Still…
“You could end up being the one that hated me afterward, because of what you had to experience through the bond.” he told him. “What if you forgave me, because it’s what you do, you’ve always forgiven me everything, but you couldn’t stand to touch me or kiss me ever again?”
“Never, is never do that.” He said firmly.
“And what if it gives you more strength, it’s something to look forward too, for when you get out, we will have something to finish. A bond to complete. And you will be able to find me again, much easier.” He pressed his forehead against his.
“As for the drums, if I end up sharing them, then I’ll gladly share your burden, suffer through it with you, if only to be with you even partially.” He kissed him gently.
drapetxmaniia - The Urge to run away 